Intro
I've been wanting to start a blog since the day my husband Bobby left, but because of certain circumstances I wasn't able to do that. My husband is a sailor aboard the USS Gridley DDG 101. He deployed on November 30th, 2010. Normally, I would honor OPSEC and not say exactly when he deployed and what ship he's on, but you can find the public article here. I am his wife, Elyssa, and together we have a beautiful 2 month old daughter named Brylie. This blog is my personal journey through our first deployment. It's my personal place to collect my thoughts, vent out my frustrations and cry out my sadness.Saying Goodbye
It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. They had to be at the ship by 5am. Everyone set their alarm clocks and we attempted to sleep. As Bobby and I lay in bed we barely said anything to each other. We just held one another and embraced our last moments together. I was holding back the tears, trying to be strong. It wasn't until my husband started to sob that I lost my tough wife exterior I had been working on so hard the past few months. You see, I had this mind set going on, that it would be so much easier to say goodbye if I were angry instead of sad. As I look back now I realize all the precious moments I wasted because I was looking for any excuse to pick a fight. When in reality, nothing can make a goodbye like that any easier.
Our alarm clocks all went off at the same time. I let out a deep sigh. I knew that in a few hours, I would be a temporary single mom. I didn't bother getting all dolled up that morning. I knew it wouldn't matter. I would still feel bad on the inside, and it would show through my hair and makeup. Brylie had slept all night, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways because none of us got more than a couple hours of sleep. The car ride to 32nd Street was spent in silence. A black cloud hovered over all of us. Once on base we were all able to board the ship and have a look around. That was exciting to me because I've always had a deep fascination with the military, almost joining myself at one point in time. I used to swear up and down in high school that I was going to marry someone in the military, and I did. Now it was time for me to suffer the consequences of such a wish.
The Gridley is rather small compared to the other ships, such as it's brother ship, the USS Vinson. If you have ever been on The Midway, a decommissioned carrier, then you know how steep the stairs are to get around. I didn't trust myself enough to carry Brylie up and down the stairs, so Grandpa Mike did it for me. The hangars were also very small, just big enough for one helicopter and a little working space. I wasn't able to tour the racks because it's men's quarters, of course. As we stood in the first hangar making small talk and watching Bobby scurry around, scatterbrained, searching for lost items (which is nothing new), I noticed other families doing the same. I wasn't alone anymore. I could see that there was a great challenge ahead for many other wives and mothers as well. My anxiety was building up. I could feel my walls start to tumble down and the tears build up behind my eyes. After the tour, around 5:45am I told my husband that I wanted to "get it over with" and just say our farewells now. I couldn't stand the lingering, the pain was just too much for me. I know it may seem wrong of me to not want to stay and watch his ship pull out, but I just couldn't do it. The longer I stood there, watching everyone moving in slow-motion, hugging their family members for the last time in a long time, the more I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
Bobby walked us all out to the car and started his goodbyes with his parents and little brother first, saving me for last. I turned my back because I knew watching would only make it worse on me. But inevitably, my time had come. I wasn't ready yet so I asked him if he could put Brylie in her car seat. He said, "of course" and proceeded to do so. He kissed her on the forehead and then turned to me. Instantly, we both burst into tears, arms wrapped around each other as tight as possible. It was almost like the tighter we hugged, the longer I would feel his arms around me, long after he was gone, like an imprint. It was a moment I won't ever forget. The best way I can describe the moment for me personally, is numb and surreal. It almost felt like a dream. To be honest, I still feel like I am in a dream, a week later. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Our bills, the stress of moving, the fears of Brylie being away from her father, the stupid reasons I found to argue, were all invisible. We just cried, hugged and disappeared back into our little world that we had created from the first time we met. When it was over, I somberly got into the car, watching as he gave Brylie kisses, or as we like to say, "tissies" one more time. I listened to him whisper how much "daddy loves you and is going to miss you..." and then it was over. Just like that. There was no more denial, no more putting it off. It was over.
He walked away towards his new temporary home and I drove back to our first house, to finish packing and to begin the move. Saying goodbye to our first house was a challenge all on it's own. So many memories made, so many happy moments. I'm crying now just thinking about how much I already miss it. Your house is your home in so many ways. It's a part of you and just like saying goodbye to someone you love, you never realize how much you miss them until they're gone. I try to stay positive and remind myself that soon enough, we will be back in the same neighborhood making a new house our home and creating new memories to hold in our hearts. But like I said, nothing can make a goodbye any easier, you can only look ahead to the beautiful things to come. As I drove away that day towards my new house in Arizona, I only had one thing on my mind: time. It can only move one way, forward.
Our alarm clocks all went off at the same time. I let out a deep sigh. I knew that in a few hours, I would be a temporary single mom. I didn't bother getting all dolled up that morning. I knew it wouldn't matter. I would still feel bad on the inside, and it would show through my hair and makeup. Brylie had slept all night, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways because none of us got more than a couple hours of sleep. The car ride to 32nd Street was spent in silence. A black cloud hovered over all of us. Once on base we were all able to board the ship and have a look around. That was exciting to me because I've always had a deep fascination with the military, almost joining myself at one point in time. I used to swear up and down in high school that I was going to marry someone in the military, and I did. Now it was time for me to suffer the consequences of such a wish.
The Gridley is rather small compared to the other ships, such as it's brother ship, the USS Vinson. If you have ever been on The Midway, a decommissioned carrier, then you know how steep the stairs are to get around. I didn't trust myself enough to carry Brylie up and down the stairs, so Grandpa Mike did it for me. The hangars were also very small, just big enough for one helicopter and a little working space. I wasn't able to tour the racks because it's men's quarters, of course. As we stood in the first hangar making small talk and watching Bobby scurry around, scatterbrained, searching for lost items (which is nothing new), I noticed other families doing the same. I wasn't alone anymore. I could see that there was a great challenge ahead for many other wives and mothers as well. My anxiety was building up. I could feel my walls start to tumble down and the tears build up behind my eyes. After the tour, around 5:45am I told my husband that I wanted to "get it over with" and just say our farewells now. I couldn't stand the lingering, the pain was just too much for me. I know it may seem wrong of me to not want to stay and watch his ship pull out, but I just couldn't do it. The longer I stood there, watching everyone moving in slow-motion, hugging their family members for the last time in a long time, the more I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
Bobby walked us all out to the car and started his goodbyes with his parents and little brother first, saving me for last. I turned my back because I knew watching would only make it worse on me. But inevitably, my time had come. I wasn't ready yet so I asked him if he could put Brylie in her car seat. He said, "of course" and proceeded to do so. He kissed her on the forehead and then turned to me. Instantly, we both burst into tears, arms wrapped around each other as tight as possible. It was almost like the tighter we hugged, the longer I would feel his arms around me, long after he was gone, like an imprint. It was a moment I won't ever forget. The best way I can describe the moment for me personally, is numb and surreal. It almost felt like a dream. To be honest, I still feel like I am in a dream, a week later. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Our bills, the stress of moving, the fears of Brylie being away from her father, the stupid reasons I found to argue, were all invisible. We just cried, hugged and disappeared back into our little world that we had created from the first time we met. When it was over, I somberly got into the car, watching as he gave Brylie kisses, or as we like to say, "tissies" one more time. I listened to him whisper how much "daddy loves you and is going to miss you..." and then it was over. Just like that. There was no more denial, no more putting it off. It was over.
He walked away towards his new temporary home and I drove back to our first house, to finish packing and to begin the move. Saying goodbye to our first house was a challenge all on it's own. So many memories made, so many happy moments. I'm crying now just thinking about how much I already miss it. Your house is your home in so many ways. It's a part of you and just like saying goodbye to someone you love, you never realize how much you miss them until they're gone. I try to stay positive and remind myself that soon enough, we will be back in the same neighborhood making a new house our home and creating new memories to hold in our hearts. But like I said, nothing can make a goodbye any easier, you can only look ahead to the beautiful things to come. As I drove away that day towards my new house in Arizona, I only had one thing on my mind: time. It can only move one way, forward.
The next 6 days
My first couple of days in Arizona was surprisingly a breeze. I was so busy unpacking that I didn't have the time to think about how alone I was feeling. Brylie was being an angel, letting me get the work done that needed to be done. I was able to get completely unpacked and settled in 2 days. Actually, the only 2 boxes that have not been unpacked is my Dish Network stuff (which will be installed tomorrow) and a box of electronics that I literally have nowhere to put. The family left the next day for Disneyland and I refused to let myself think about the absence of my husband, so I called up one of Bobby's friends, Angela, and asked if we could hang out. I was so relieved to have someone to hang out with and take my mind off everything. We awed over Brylie, ate delicious BLT's, watched Evan Almighty, hung out with Bobby's other best friend, (who happens to be our cousin) Kyle, and Angela supported me as I got Brylie's name tattooed on the back of my neck. Oh, the things we do to take our minds off other things. And on Sunday, I found a wonderful church called Cornerstone. It's very conservative and real. It's designed to relate to our world today instead of way back when. If you have ever been to The Stirring in Redding, California then think that x100. I look forward to going again this Sunday, and joining a small group as well. Brylie also enjoyed herself, she loves music and Cornerstone definitely has some awesome worship going on.
As far as today goes, I am trying to motivate myself to get up and out of the house. I have a little shopping that needs to be done but I've been a little down in the dumps the past couple of days. I missed a phone call from Bobby last night and that's never a great way to start your morning. Maybe a walk in this Arizona sunshine will do me some good.
As far as today goes, I am trying to motivate myself to get up and out of the house. I have a little shopping that needs to be done but I've been a little down in the dumps the past couple of days. I missed a phone call from Bobby last night and that's never a great way to start your morning. Maybe a walk in this Arizona sunshine will do me some good.
Goodbye for now,
Elyssa
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