Confusion and frustration in modern times

When I got the news that Bobby was deploying (casually, on the way to my brother's house), my mind starting racing a million miles per hour. Where am I going to live, what am I going to do with all my stuff, how is Brylie going to handle it, how am I going to handle it, how long will he be gone, where is he going, why is going, why me, why us, why now? My mind was completely flooded with these consuming thoughts. I was trapped in a fog. I couldn't even begin to sort out my feelings. I'm already an indecisive person, so throw stress into the mix and you get a crazed wife running around like a chicken with its head cut off. 


My first instinct was move back home. I grew up in Redding, California. Beautiful town. Small, boring at times, but beautiful. After giving that option much thought, I decided I'd like to spend some time in Arizona. Mainly, to get used to the area since we plan to make it our permanent home one day, and also to get to know my husband's side of the family better. So then my thoughts shifted to getting my own apartment. That way, Brylie and I would have our own space and could come and go as we please. But then an idea was brought to my attention: live with family. At first, I said no. There was no way I would be able to handle living with family that long. I'm too independent. But, I was reassured that my brother and sister-in-law would be gone most of the day and I would have plenty of "alone time." So after changing my mind about... let's see... 20 times, I finally made the decision to live with them a week before Bobby's scheduled departure. Now, this post is not intended to "bash" the situation, but for me to like I said in my intro, vent out my frustrations. 


You absolutely never realize how good you had it until you move your whole life into one bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I have a great set-up, I was able to bring my monstrous television, iMac, Brylie's pack and play, swing and other clothes and accessories, but it definitely is a tight squeeze. The adjustment has been especially difficult for me in terms of easy access. In San Diego, our house had a nice 2 car garage. I could pack up her stroller, car seat, diaper bag, and any other things I needed in a matter of a few steps. Here, I park out on the street which is 3 houses down. I have to make several trips out to my car to get it completely loaded up. Then I have to come back for Brylie. I strap her up in her car seat and leave her in my room while I am running back and forth to load the car. There's a German Shepard that stays inside the house and I don't trust her to be alone with Brylie yet. She's young, hyper and basically a living tornado. 


But recently, I discovered that I could go get my car, park it in the garage (while everyone is away at work), load it and then pull it out onto the street, then dash out the garage and hop over the censor as it closed. This plan was working out great for me until this happened... I went out the front door (not having a house key yet), brought the car to the garage, loaded it up, then did the whole "run and hop over the garage sensor" thing and drove away quite pleased with myself. Until, I realized I had forgot to lock the front door. I don't have a garage opener so I then had to park the car out on the street, get Brylie out of the car, walk back to the house and lock it, then run through the garage again and get Brylie back into the car. Then I was finally on my way. 


I know I just sound like a complainer right now, but I can't believe how much I am discovering about myself and my life in just a short week. The things we take for granted, let me tell ya. When I get back to San Diego I am going to appreciate things so much more. I mean, just writing that now is bringing tears to my eyes. I can't believe how blind I have been in the past. I constantly complained about the huge speed bumps in my neighborhood and now, I would take those speed bumps any time if it meant having my own garage to park in. Bobby and I would throw a fit if we lost our satellite signal for 2 seconds. I should be grateful to even have the luxury of being able to record all my favorite shows. 


Funny, I started writing this just to release my frustrations about a stupid parking situation, and have ended up teaching myself a lesson: Appreciation. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. My husband is out to sea, living in a bed big enough for his body to fit into, working 12 hour shifts, being away from everyone he loves to provide us with the best, and I appreciate that. Babe, you're the greatest. My in-laws took me in so we could save as much as possible during our stay in Arizona and I also appreciate that. 


Today's deployment song is "Come Home Soon" by SHeDaisy. You can listen to it here.


All my love,
Elyssa