I started writing this blog about my depressing Christmas Eve. How I was sick, tired and missing Bobby terribly. But as I was writing it, I realized my breakdown was from doing just that. Thinking about all he was missing out on and dwelling on how much I wished he were here. So instead, I'm going to stop myself from going back down that road and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope your day was as great as mine was. I woke up thinking I wouldn't hear from Bobby, but at 9:20 he called me and we got to talk for about 15 minutes. It was the best present I could have asked for. On top of that, Bobby got his Christmas package that I had sent him a month ago. I was so happy that it got to him on time. Right on time. Those things combined made my day absolutely amazing.
Brylie and I had a blast at my Grandma and Grandpa Culp's house, and later at my Dad and Dede's. We both were blessed with some amazing gifts. Brylie's favorite is her Dance Star Mickey. She smiles so big watching him "shake that tail." Next holiday up is New Years. I can't believe 2011 is already here! Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
In with the new
Whenever I'm going through a stressful time in my life, I tend to change my appearance. I'm not sure why this is my coping mechanism of choice, but it works... for a while at least. Today I spent six hours in the salon, putting platinum highlights all throughout my 20"+ long hair. I also got bangs! Which is something I've only had a couple times before. I wanted to share my end result :)
Does anyone else do this when they are going through a rough time?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Day by day
Nothing too exciting to report. It’s been almost 6 days since I’ve heard from my hubby. I just try not to think about it. I try not to think about how long he’s been gone, or how long we have left, and I try to stay as busy as I possibly can. I can't even allow myself to sit and relax for one day. I tried, and I made it until around 3 when I said, "Ok, I have to go do something."
My best friend Kate came to visit me from Thursday to Sunday and that definitely helped take my mind off the deployment and the lack of emails from Bobby. Brylie and I got a few early Christmas presents. Brylie got a couple new outfits (which are absolutely adorable) and I got what else, but MAC makeup. Thanks Kate! Love!
Last night, we all went over to my Grandparents house and played Skip-Bo and ate pizza, little weenies, homemade ice cream, cookies, pie, cheese, crackers, salsa, guacamole, what else am I missing here? Martinelli's, soda, coffee, etc. It was a blast! My Aunt Amy, Uncle Jon and two cousins Brooklyn and Travis were over as well. Having children around just makes everything 10x more fun!
Tonight I am enjoying watching cartoons with Brylie. We just finished Alvin and the Chipmunks and now I'm going to start on the classic Christmas movies. Now to decide on which one. Well, B is waking up from her little nap. Happy Monday :) Tomorrow it will have been 3 whole weeks since Bobby left. One more and I can finally shout, "ONE MONTH DOWN!"
My best friend Kate came to visit me from Thursday to Sunday and that definitely helped take my mind off the deployment and the lack of emails from Bobby. Brylie and I got a few early Christmas presents. Brylie got a couple new outfits (which are absolutely adorable) and I got what else, but MAC makeup. Thanks Kate! Love!
Last night, we all went over to my Grandparents house and played Skip-Bo and ate pizza, little weenies, homemade ice cream, cookies, pie, cheese, crackers, salsa, guacamole, what else am I missing here? Martinelli's, soda, coffee, etc. It was a blast! My Aunt Amy, Uncle Jon and two cousins Brooklyn and Travis were over as well. Having children around just makes everything 10x more fun!
Tonight I am enjoying watching cartoons with Brylie. We just finished Alvin and the Chipmunks and now I'm going to start on the classic Christmas movies. Now to decide on which one. Well, B is waking up from her little nap. Happy Monday :) Tomorrow it will have been 3 whole weeks since Bobby left. One more and I can finally shout, "ONE MONTH DOWN!"
Friday, December 17, 2010
The worst feeling in the world
is missing your husbands phone calls.
If it weren't for Kate and Brylie I would have totally lost it.
Stay strong, stay strong...
:(
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Soldiers' Night Before Christmas
Today my sister and her 2 boys, Vaden (4) and Dexter (2 mo.) went with Brylie and I to Barnes and Noble. I wanted to find Brylie a book to read to her every night before bed. At first, I looked for Pooh Bear for sentimental reasons, but the pictures weren't vibrant enough. So I went over to the featured Christmas books. This is what I found...
It's perfect! I'm so happy I was able to find something like this for her. What a great book she will cherish for the rest of her life.
Also, today's deployment song is "When I Look To The Sky" by Train. You can listen to it here. Sweet dreams everyone!
Brylie and the bird
Brylie was perfect on our trip yesterday. We woke up at 8:30am and had to be at the airport at 9:30am. When I woke up and realized I only had 30 minutes to get ready, I started rushing around my mother-in-laws trying to get myself decent looking.
It all went smoothly, and we arrived at the airport in plenty of time. I used the Southwest ticket counter outside to check-in at. After I got my ticket, we went inside and walked down 2 hallways to get to our security check point. By the way, Brylie was in the Baby Bjorn the whole time. At the security check point, the woman who checked my ID and ticket told me I had to take Brylie out and run the carrier through the x-ray. She then asked me if I needed any help. I just told her I had to figure out how to get Brylie out of the carrier. I have to take the carrier off over my head, which is a little hard to do with a baby in your arms. Unfortunately, they're not allowed to touch any of the babies so thankfully an incredibly generous man behind me offered to hold her while I took the carrier off. He smiled at her and said,"I don't have any kids." I think he may want some now ;) Seriously, how can you resist Baby B?
Once through security we had to walk over to a separate area to have the bottles examined. They held a strip over the bottle to see if any vapors were rising off the water. I was surprised to hear the man say, "Alright, good to go. We figure if one bottle is good the rest are too." Alright, whatever you say. It was smooth sailing from there.
We boarded with the family boarding section and B was a little fussy when we first sat down because she was ready for a bottle. So I made her 4 ounces, which she sucked right down and immediately passed out. About 5 minutes later I fell asleep too. The next thing I know, I'm being tapped on the shoulder to put my seat back in the up-right position. Which now reminds me of a Weird Al song... thanks babe :)
Furthermore, Brylie slept pretty much all the way in the car on our final stretch to Redding. So now here we are! All settled and watching Ellen. My sister is coming over at 2 to show off her new baby boy Dexter. So excited :)
It all went smoothly, and we arrived at the airport in plenty of time. I used the Southwest ticket counter outside to check-in at. After I got my ticket, we went inside and walked down 2 hallways to get to our security check point. By the way, Brylie was in the Baby Bjorn the whole time. At the security check point, the woman who checked my ID and ticket told me I had to take Brylie out and run the carrier through the x-ray. She then asked me if I needed any help. I just told her I had to figure out how to get Brylie out of the carrier. I have to take the carrier off over my head, which is a little hard to do with a baby in your arms. Unfortunately, they're not allowed to touch any of the babies so thankfully an incredibly generous man behind me offered to hold her while I took the carrier off. He smiled at her and said,"I don't have any kids." I think he may want some now ;) Seriously, how can you resist Baby B?
Once through security we had to walk over to a separate area to have the bottles examined. They held a strip over the bottle to see if any vapors were rising off the water. I was surprised to hear the man say, "Alright, good to go. We figure if one bottle is good the rest are too." Alright, whatever you say. It was smooth sailing from there.
We boarded with the family boarding section and B was a little fussy when we first sat down because she was ready for a bottle. So I made her 4 ounces, which she sucked right down and immediately passed out. About 5 minutes later I fell asleep too. The next thing I know, I'm being tapped on the shoulder to put my seat back in the up-right position. Which now reminds me of a Weird Al song... thanks babe :)
Furthermore, Brylie slept pretty much all the way in the car on our final stretch to Redding. So now here we are! All settled and watching Ellen. My sister is coming over at 2 to show off her new baby boy Dexter. So excited :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
So in love
I never would have thought that I could love my husband any more than I already do. But that's exactly what has happened. As every day goes by I fall more deeply in love with him. A quote echoes through my head now every day, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Funny how that works, isn't it? He's truly my best friend. I write him several emails a day and when I get a reply it's one of the greatest feelings in the world. Today I was driving in the car and my mind started to wander to him reading Pooh Bear to Brylie. I couldn't help but start cracking up. We just have so much fun together, I couldn't have asked for anyone better. I love you baby :)
Today's deployment song is "Stay" by Miley Cyrus. You can listen to it here.
Today's deployment song is "Stay" by Miley Cyrus. You can listen to it here.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The financial stress of the first month
I'm a procrastinator. I always have been and I hope to not always be. My husband is one as well, and it's bitten us in the butt several times. I didn't put in our 30 days notice to Lincoln until 15 days before Bobby deployed. In my head I was thinking that giving the 30 days notice was finally admitting that he was leaving... and I wasn't ready for that. I was in denial until I slept in my new bed in Arizona for the first time. Denial is not a good way to handle things, but it's just another one of my ways I dealt with the pain of losing my other half.
Anyways, back to my financial woes. Because I waited too long to give our 30 days notice, we now had to pay for the full 30 days. Even though I was planning on being out of the house by November 30th we still had to pay rent through January. Basically what that means is that we have no money. At least until the beginning of January when we get a check for the last 15 days in December. Yeah, I know, confusing. What else is very stressful is that Bobby loses his BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) on this upcoming paycheck. I wasn't planning on telling how broke exactly we are right now but to get the full effect of how stressed I am I'm going to do it anyways. Here's the deal. We have -130 dollars in our bank account, a car payment coming up of around 300 dollars and a Dish Network bill of 40 dollars. His paycheck amount? Roughly $650. That leaves me with about 180 dollars for gas, food, formula, diapers, etc. until the next pay period. Talk about stressed. I'm even more sad that I can't buy presents for my family, or enjoy myself like I had planned during my time in Redding. The only thing that is keeping me from pulling my hair out is knowing that back-pay from Lincoln will come sometime in early January and we will be pocketing our full BAH starting January 1st. Then I can start paying off bills. Hooray! I know this post was pretty blah but it is my "journal" after all, I can't make every entry as good as the first. ;)
Yesterday's deployment song was "Coming Home" by New Found Glory. You can listen to it here.
Today's deployment song is "Never Gonna Be Alone" by Nickelback. You can listen to it here.
Anyways, back to my financial woes. Because I waited too long to give our 30 days notice, we now had to pay for the full 30 days. Even though I was planning on being out of the house by November 30th we still had to pay rent through January. Basically what that means is that we have no money. At least until the beginning of January when we get a check for the last 15 days in December. Yeah, I know, confusing. What else is very stressful is that Bobby loses his BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) on this upcoming paycheck. I wasn't planning on telling how broke exactly we are right now but to get the full effect of how stressed I am I'm going to do it anyways. Here's the deal. We have -130 dollars in our bank account, a car payment coming up of around 300 dollars and a Dish Network bill of 40 dollars. His paycheck amount? Roughly $650. That leaves me with about 180 dollars for gas, food, formula, diapers, etc. until the next pay period. Talk about stressed. I'm even more sad that I can't buy presents for my family, or enjoy myself like I had planned during my time in Redding. The only thing that is keeping me from pulling my hair out is knowing that back-pay from Lincoln will come sometime in early January and we will be pocketing our full BAH starting January 1st. Then I can start paying off bills. Hooray! I know this post was pretty blah but it is my "journal" after all, I can't make every entry as good as the first. ;)
Yesterday's deployment song was "Coming Home" by New Found Glory. You can listen to it here.
Today's deployment song is "Never Gonna Be Alone" by Nickelback. You can listen to it here.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Cherish
Today's post is going to be pretty short. Sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday. I was a busy girl. Last night my sister-in-law Lori had a Pampered Chef party. I had never been to a Pampered Chef party before so I was pretty excited to see what awesome cooking supplies they had. We made Penne al Fresco & Bruschetta, a homemade garlic and cherry tomato sauce that smothered penne pasta cooked in chicken broth. We used the Cranberry Covered Baker and made the entire dish in the microwave! There was also homemade Italian salsa served on toasted garlic bread. It was delish. I of course didn't buy anything because you know how expensive those parties can be. I went to a Tupperware party while I was in Redding about 7 months ago and all I was able to buy was a 15 dollar sponge! I had my eye set on this amazing salsa maker, but when I discovered it was 60 dollars I backed out. No salsa for this mama. But the Pampered chef party was a blast.
It inspired me and Angela to start up a weekly cooking night. Once a week, we are going to draw a recipe out of a hat and make it! Then, to make it especially goofy and fun, we are going to film it like a cooking show and send Bobby the DVD. I'm truly looking forward to it. But, the title of this blog is "cherish" for a reason.
I was thinking last night as I was reading one of my husbands nightly emails (I usually get 2-3 throughout the night) about how much I cherish reading his words. It's what keeps me going. It keeps my head up, keeps me strong and gives me something to look forward to every night before I go to sleep. I am definitely a firm believer in "distance makes the heart grow fonder" now, and I'm sure you will be hearing it a lot throughout this blog journey of mine. I save all of his emails in a separate folder so I will be able to look back on them one day and remember this time in our lives. As much as I hate being away from my penguin, I do believe that this is going to make us a stronger couple in the end, and we will be more in love then ever.
In other news, Brylie is getting so close to laughing. It's adorable. She's also very much so into sticking her tongue out. She's such a little princess. Well, I am now off to JCPenny with the family. Tonight was my mother-in-law's belated birthday dinner. Love you all!
It inspired me and Angela to start up a weekly cooking night. Once a week, we are going to draw a recipe out of a hat and make it! Then, to make it especially goofy and fun, we are going to film it like a cooking show and send Bobby the DVD. I'm truly looking forward to it. But, the title of this blog is "cherish" for a reason.
I was thinking last night as I was reading one of my husbands nightly emails (I usually get 2-3 throughout the night) about how much I cherish reading his words. It's what keeps me going. It keeps my head up, keeps me strong and gives me something to look forward to every night before I go to sleep. I am definitely a firm believer in "distance makes the heart grow fonder" now, and I'm sure you will be hearing it a lot throughout this blog journey of mine. I save all of his emails in a separate folder so I will be able to look back on them one day and remember this time in our lives. As much as I hate being away from my penguin, I do believe that this is going to make us a stronger couple in the end, and we will be more in love then ever.
In other news, Brylie is getting so close to laughing. It's adorable. She's also very much so into sticking her tongue out. She's such a little princess. Well, I am now off to JCPenny with the family. Tonight was my mother-in-law's belated birthday dinner. Love you all!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Confusion and frustration in modern times
When I got the news that Bobby was deploying (casually, on the way to my brother's house), my mind starting racing a million miles per hour. Where am I going to live, what am I going to do with all my stuff, how is Brylie going to handle it, how am I going to handle it, how long will he be gone, where is he going, why is going, why me, why us, why now? My mind was completely flooded with these consuming thoughts. I was trapped in a fog. I couldn't even begin to sort out my feelings. I'm already an indecisive person, so throw stress into the mix and you get a crazed wife running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
My first instinct was move back home. I grew up in Redding, California. Beautiful town. Small, boring at times, but beautiful. After giving that option much thought, I decided I'd like to spend some time in Arizona. Mainly, to get used to the area since we plan to make it our permanent home one day, and also to get to know my husband's side of the family better. So then my thoughts shifted to getting my own apartment. That way, Brylie and I would have our own space and could come and go as we please. But then an idea was brought to my attention: live with family. At first, I said no. There was no way I would be able to handle living with family that long. I'm too independent. But, I was reassured that my brother and sister-in-law would be gone most of the day and I would have plenty of "alone time." So after changing my mind about... let's see... 20 times, I finally made the decision to live with them a week before Bobby's scheduled departure. Now, this post is not intended to "bash" the situation, but for me to like I said in my intro, vent out my frustrations.
You absolutely never realize how good you had it until you move your whole life into one bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I have a great set-up, I was able to bring my monstrous television, iMac, Brylie's pack and play, swing and other clothes and accessories, but it definitely is a tight squeeze. The adjustment has been especially difficult for me in terms of easy access. In San Diego, our house had a nice 2 car garage. I could pack up her stroller, car seat, diaper bag, and any other things I needed in a matter of a few steps. Here, I park out on the street which is 3 houses down. I have to make several trips out to my car to get it completely loaded up. Then I have to come back for Brylie. I strap her up in her car seat and leave her in my room while I am running back and forth to load the car. There's a German Shepard that stays inside the house and I don't trust her to be alone with Brylie yet. She's young, hyper and basically a living tornado.
But recently, I discovered that I could go get my car, park it in the garage (while everyone is away at work), load it and then pull it out onto the street, then dash out the garage and hop over the censor as it closed. This plan was working out great for me until this happened... I went out the front door (not having a house key yet), brought the car to the garage, loaded it up, then did the whole "run and hop over the garage sensor" thing and drove away quite pleased with myself. Until, I realized I had forgot to lock the front door. I don't have a garage opener so I then had to park the car out on the street, get Brylie out of the car, walk back to the house and lock it, then run through the garage again and get Brylie back into the car. Then I was finally on my way.
I know I just sound like a complainer right now, but I can't believe how much I am discovering about myself and my life in just a short week. The things we take for granted, let me tell ya. When I get back to San Diego I am going to appreciate things so much more. I mean, just writing that now is bringing tears to my eyes. I can't believe how blind I have been in the past. I constantly complained about the huge speed bumps in my neighborhood and now, I would take those speed bumps any time if it meant having my own garage to park in. Bobby and I would throw a fit if we lost our satellite signal for 2 seconds. I should be grateful to even have the luxury of being able to record all my favorite shows.
Funny, I started writing this just to release my frustrations about a stupid parking situation, and have ended up teaching myself a lesson: Appreciation. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. My husband is out to sea, living in a bed big enough for his body to fit into, working 12 hour shifts, being away from everyone he loves to provide us with the best, and I appreciate that. Babe, you're the greatest. My in-laws took me in so we could save as much as possible during our stay in Arizona and I also appreciate that.
Today's deployment song is "Come Home Soon" by SHeDaisy. You can listen to it here.
All my love,
Elyssa
My first instinct was move back home. I grew up in Redding, California. Beautiful town. Small, boring at times, but beautiful. After giving that option much thought, I decided I'd like to spend some time in Arizona. Mainly, to get used to the area since we plan to make it our permanent home one day, and also to get to know my husband's side of the family better. So then my thoughts shifted to getting my own apartment. That way, Brylie and I would have our own space and could come and go as we please. But then an idea was brought to my attention: live with family. At first, I said no. There was no way I would be able to handle living with family that long. I'm too independent. But, I was reassured that my brother and sister-in-law would be gone most of the day and I would have plenty of "alone time." So after changing my mind about... let's see... 20 times, I finally made the decision to live with them a week before Bobby's scheduled departure. Now, this post is not intended to "bash" the situation, but for me to like I said in my intro, vent out my frustrations.
You absolutely never realize how good you had it until you move your whole life into one bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I have a great set-up, I was able to bring my monstrous television, iMac, Brylie's pack and play, swing and other clothes and accessories, but it definitely is a tight squeeze. The adjustment has been especially difficult for me in terms of easy access. In San Diego, our house had a nice 2 car garage. I could pack up her stroller, car seat, diaper bag, and any other things I needed in a matter of a few steps. Here, I park out on the street which is 3 houses down. I have to make several trips out to my car to get it completely loaded up. Then I have to come back for Brylie. I strap her up in her car seat and leave her in my room while I am running back and forth to load the car. There's a German Shepard that stays inside the house and I don't trust her to be alone with Brylie yet. She's young, hyper and basically a living tornado.
But recently, I discovered that I could go get my car, park it in the garage (while everyone is away at work), load it and then pull it out onto the street, then dash out the garage and hop over the censor as it closed. This plan was working out great for me until this happened... I went out the front door (not having a house key yet), brought the car to the garage, loaded it up, then did the whole "run and hop over the garage sensor" thing and drove away quite pleased with myself. Until, I realized I had forgot to lock the front door. I don't have a garage opener so I then had to park the car out on the street, get Brylie out of the car, walk back to the house and lock it, then run through the garage again and get Brylie back into the car. Then I was finally on my way.
I know I just sound like a complainer right now, but I can't believe how much I am discovering about myself and my life in just a short week. The things we take for granted, let me tell ya. When I get back to San Diego I am going to appreciate things so much more. I mean, just writing that now is bringing tears to my eyes. I can't believe how blind I have been in the past. I constantly complained about the huge speed bumps in my neighborhood and now, I would take those speed bumps any time if it meant having my own garage to park in. Bobby and I would throw a fit if we lost our satellite signal for 2 seconds. I should be grateful to even have the luxury of being able to record all my favorite shows.
Funny, I started writing this just to release my frustrations about a stupid parking situation, and have ended up teaching myself a lesson: Appreciation. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. My husband is out to sea, living in a bed big enough for his body to fit into, working 12 hour shifts, being away from everyone he loves to provide us with the best, and I appreciate that. Babe, you're the greatest. My in-laws took me in so we could save as much as possible during our stay in Arizona and I also appreciate that.
Today's deployment song is "Come Home Soon" by SHeDaisy. You can listen to it here.
All my love,
Elyssa
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Deployment song of the day
From now on, at the end of all my posts, I'm going to try and feature a deployment song of the day. Today's deployment song is "The Longer the Waiting" by Josh Turner. Here are the lyrics:
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
The next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
Will you wait for me darling, I need to know
Well, you know I'm a sailor and tomorrow we sail
It's a hard way of living but I know it well
And if I surrender my life to the sea
You can marry another it's alright with me
Though we won't be together again 'til the spring
Just imagine the treasures I'll bring
Come lay with me, stay with me, soon I'll be gone
I will remember you all winter long
And when I return to the one that I miss
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
The sweeter the kiss
When the mornings are warm and the valleys are green
I'll come back from wherever I've been
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
the next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
I will give up the ocean forever, I know
Forever I know
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
the next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
I will give up the ocean forever, I know
Forever, I know
Click here to listen to it. I love and miss you hunny.
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
The next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
Will you wait for me darling, I need to know
Well, you know I'm a sailor and tomorrow we sail
It's a hard way of living but I know it well
And if I surrender my life to the sea
You can marry another it's alright with me
Though we won't be together again 'til the spring
Just imagine the treasures I'll bring
Come lay with me, stay with me, soon I'll be gone
I will remember you all winter long
And when I return to the one that I miss
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
The sweeter the kiss
When the mornings are warm and the valleys are green
I'll come back from wherever I've been
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
the next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
I will give up the ocean forever, I know
Forever I know
Oh, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darling, I promise you this
the next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
I will give up the ocean forever, I know
Forever, I know
Click here to listen to it. I love and miss you hunny.
The first 7 days
Intro
I've been wanting to start a blog since the day my husband Bobby left, but because of certain circumstances I wasn't able to do that. My husband is a sailor aboard the USS Gridley DDG 101. He deployed on November 30th, 2010. Normally, I would honor OPSEC and not say exactly when he deployed and what ship he's on, but you can find the public article here. I am his wife, Elyssa, and together we have a beautiful 2 month old daughter named Brylie. This blog is my personal journey through our first deployment. It's my personal place to collect my thoughts, vent out my frustrations and cry out my sadness.Saying Goodbye
It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. They had to be at the ship by 5am. Everyone set their alarm clocks and we attempted to sleep. As Bobby and I lay in bed we barely said anything to each other. We just held one another and embraced our last moments together. I was holding back the tears, trying to be strong. It wasn't until my husband started to sob that I lost my tough wife exterior I had been working on so hard the past few months. You see, I had this mind set going on, that it would be so much easier to say goodbye if I were angry instead of sad. As I look back now I realize all the precious moments I wasted because I was looking for any excuse to pick a fight. When in reality, nothing can make a goodbye like that any easier.
Our alarm clocks all went off at the same time. I let out a deep sigh. I knew that in a few hours, I would be a temporary single mom. I didn't bother getting all dolled up that morning. I knew it wouldn't matter. I would still feel bad on the inside, and it would show through my hair and makeup. Brylie had slept all night, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways because none of us got more than a couple hours of sleep. The car ride to 32nd Street was spent in silence. A black cloud hovered over all of us. Once on base we were all able to board the ship and have a look around. That was exciting to me because I've always had a deep fascination with the military, almost joining myself at one point in time. I used to swear up and down in high school that I was going to marry someone in the military, and I did. Now it was time for me to suffer the consequences of such a wish.
The Gridley is rather small compared to the other ships, such as it's brother ship, the USS Vinson. If you have ever been on The Midway, a decommissioned carrier, then you know how steep the stairs are to get around. I didn't trust myself enough to carry Brylie up and down the stairs, so Grandpa Mike did it for me. The hangars were also very small, just big enough for one helicopter and a little working space. I wasn't able to tour the racks because it's men's quarters, of course. As we stood in the first hangar making small talk and watching Bobby scurry around, scatterbrained, searching for lost items (which is nothing new), I noticed other families doing the same. I wasn't alone anymore. I could see that there was a great challenge ahead for many other wives and mothers as well. My anxiety was building up. I could feel my walls start to tumble down and the tears build up behind my eyes. After the tour, around 5:45am I told my husband that I wanted to "get it over with" and just say our farewells now. I couldn't stand the lingering, the pain was just too much for me. I know it may seem wrong of me to not want to stay and watch his ship pull out, but I just couldn't do it. The longer I stood there, watching everyone moving in slow-motion, hugging their family members for the last time in a long time, the more I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
Bobby walked us all out to the car and started his goodbyes with his parents and little brother first, saving me for last. I turned my back because I knew watching would only make it worse on me. But inevitably, my time had come. I wasn't ready yet so I asked him if he could put Brylie in her car seat. He said, "of course" and proceeded to do so. He kissed her on the forehead and then turned to me. Instantly, we both burst into tears, arms wrapped around each other as tight as possible. It was almost like the tighter we hugged, the longer I would feel his arms around me, long after he was gone, like an imprint. It was a moment I won't ever forget. The best way I can describe the moment for me personally, is numb and surreal. It almost felt like a dream. To be honest, I still feel like I am in a dream, a week later. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Our bills, the stress of moving, the fears of Brylie being away from her father, the stupid reasons I found to argue, were all invisible. We just cried, hugged and disappeared back into our little world that we had created from the first time we met. When it was over, I somberly got into the car, watching as he gave Brylie kisses, or as we like to say, "tissies" one more time. I listened to him whisper how much "daddy loves you and is going to miss you..." and then it was over. Just like that. There was no more denial, no more putting it off. It was over.
He walked away towards his new temporary home and I drove back to our first house, to finish packing and to begin the move. Saying goodbye to our first house was a challenge all on it's own. So many memories made, so many happy moments. I'm crying now just thinking about how much I already miss it. Your house is your home in so many ways. It's a part of you and just like saying goodbye to someone you love, you never realize how much you miss them until they're gone. I try to stay positive and remind myself that soon enough, we will be back in the same neighborhood making a new house our home and creating new memories to hold in our hearts. But like I said, nothing can make a goodbye any easier, you can only look ahead to the beautiful things to come. As I drove away that day towards my new house in Arizona, I only had one thing on my mind: time. It can only move one way, forward.
Our alarm clocks all went off at the same time. I let out a deep sigh. I knew that in a few hours, I would be a temporary single mom. I didn't bother getting all dolled up that morning. I knew it wouldn't matter. I would still feel bad on the inside, and it would show through my hair and makeup. Brylie had slept all night, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways because none of us got more than a couple hours of sleep. The car ride to 32nd Street was spent in silence. A black cloud hovered over all of us. Once on base we were all able to board the ship and have a look around. That was exciting to me because I've always had a deep fascination with the military, almost joining myself at one point in time. I used to swear up and down in high school that I was going to marry someone in the military, and I did. Now it was time for me to suffer the consequences of such a wish.
The Gridley is rather small compared to the other ships, such as it's brother ship, the USS Vinson. If you have ever been on The Midway, a decommissioned carrier, then you know how steep the stairs are to get around. I didn't trust myself enough to carry Brylie up and down the stairs, so Grandpa Mike did it for me. The hangars were also very small, just big enough for one helicopter and a little working space. I wasn't able to tour the racks because it's men's quarters, of course. As we stood in the first hangar making small talk and watching Bobby scurry around, scatterbrained, searching for lost items (which is nothing new), I noticed other families doing the same. I wasn't alone anymore. I could see that there was a great challenge ahead for many other wives and mothers as well. My anxiety was building up. I could feel my walls start to tumble down and the tears build up behind my eyes. After the tour, around 5:45am I told my husband that I wanted to "get it over with" and just say our farewells now. I couldn't stand the lingering, the pain was just too much for me. I know it may seem wrong of me to not want to stay and watch his ship pull out, but I just couldn't do it. The longer I stood there, watching everyone moving in slow-motion, hugging their family members for the last time in a long time, the more I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
Bobby walked us all out to the car and started his goodbyes with his parents and little brother first, saving me for last. I turned my back because I knew watching would only make it worse on me. But inevitably, my time had come. I wasn't ready yet so I asked him if he could put Brylie in her car seat. He said, "of course" and proceeded to do so. He kissed her on the forehead and then turned to me. Instantly, we both burst into tears, arms wrapped around each other as tight as possible. It was almost like the tighter we hugged, the longer I would feel his arms around me, long after he was gone, like an imprint. It was a moment I won't ever forget. The best way I can describe the moment for me personally, is numb and surreal. It almost felt like a dream. To be honest, I still feel like I am in a dream, a week later. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Our bills, the stress of moving, the fears of Brylie being away from her father, the stupid reasons I found to argue, were all invisible. We just cried, hugged and disappeared back into our little world that we had created from the first time we met. When it was over, I somberly got into the car, watching as he gave Brylie kisses, or as we like to say, "tissies" one more time. I listened to him whisper how much "daddy loves you and is going to miss you..." and then it was over. Just like that. There was no more denial, no more putting it off. It was over.
He walked away towards his new temporary home and I drove back to our first house, to finish packing and to begin the move. Saying goodbye to our first house was a challenge all on it's own. So many memories made, so many happy moments. I'm crying now just thinking about how much I already miss it. Your house is your home in so many ways. It's a part of you and just like saying goodbye to someone you love, you never realize how much you miss them until they're gone. I try to stay positive and remind myself that soon enough, we will be back in the same neighborhood making a new house our home and creating new memories to hold in our hearts. But like I said, nothing can make a goodbye any easier, you can only look ahead to the beautiful things to come. As I drove away that day towards my new house in Arizona, I only had one thing on my mind: time. It can only move one way, forward.
The next 6 days
My first couple of days in Arizona was surprisingly a breeze. I was so busy unpacking that I didn't have the time to think about how alone I was feeling. Brylie was being an angel, letting me get the work done that needed to be done. I was able to get completely unpacked and settled in 2 days. Actually, the only 2 boxes that have not been unpacked is my Dish Network stuff (which will be installed tomorrow) and a box of electronics that I literally have nowhere to put. The family left the next day for Disneyland and I refused to let myself think about the absence of my husband, so I called up one of Bobby's friends, Angela, and asked if we could hang out. I was so relieved to have someone to hang out with and take my mind off everything. We awed over Brylie, ate delicious BLT's, watched Evan Almighty, hung out with Bobby's other best friend, (who happens to be our cousin) Kyle, and Angela supported me as I got Brylie's name tattooed on the back of my neck. Oh, the things we do to take our minds off other things. And on Sunday, I found a wonderful church called Cornerstone. It's very conservative and real. It's designed to relate to our world today instead of way back when. If you have ever been to The Stirring in Redding, California then think that x100. I look forward to going again this Sunday, and joining a small group as well. Brylie also enjoyed herself, she loves music and Cornerstone definitely has some awesome worship going on.
As far as today goes, I am trying to motivate myself to get up and out of the house. I have a little shopping that needs to be done but I've been a little down in the dumps the past couple of days. I missed a phone call from Bobby last night and that's never a great way to start your morning. Maybe a walk in this Arizona sunshine will do me some good.
As far as today goes, I am trying to motivate myself to get up and out of the house. I have a little shopping that needs to be done but I've been a little down in the dumps the past couple of days. I missed a phone call from Bobby last night and that's never a great way to start your morning. Maybe a walk in this Arizona sunshine will do me some good.
Goodbye for now,
Elyssa
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