I received the news earlier tonight that the port call I was supposed to go see my husband in has officially been called off. My emotions are running wild right now, so blogging seemed like my best outlet. I went through 3 stages of emotion after hearing this news, this first being disappointment.
I was disappointed because I had gotten my hopes up, of course. It seemed like it was completely set in stone. I had the exact dates, I had the location, and I was going to officially buy my plane ticket tomorrow. I would have definitely bought a refundable, transferrable ticket, but still... talk about devastated.
I was devastated because all I have been thinking about was being in the arms of my baby. Because it was so late in the game, it almost feels like my flight landed, I made it on base, saw my husband, starting walking towards him with open arms, and then he vanished into thin air, right in front of my face... within arms reach. Sometimes I feel like Bobby has passed away and I will never see him again. Everyone keeps repeating the same thing over and over, "Just look ahead to the future." Well, it's hard to imagine the future when you've never been there. I've never been through this before, I don't know how time feels when you're apart for so long. I forget. Is it moving fast? Is it going slow? I don't know. The end is so far away I just can't tell! All I know is hurry up and wait. I can't say it enough. I feel so discouraged.
I'm discouraged because I'm afraid to be hopeful again. Literally afraid. I'm scared to get my hopes up again, plain and simple. Nobody likes the feeling of being let down, and if you do then you have issues. My heart is aching right now. I've had my guard up this whole deployment for this exact reason and just as I let it down, completely down, this happens last second. What am I supposed to do in the future? What if, in one week Bobby calls me and says, "Ok, this is when we are going, and we are going here." My head is telling me to block it out, smile and nod and pretend like I am excited, but secretly be wary. But my heart is saying, "Stay positive, it's going to happen, it's all going to work out perfectly." So what am I going to do? The only thing I can do, go with my heart.
Of course I am going to get let down, I am going to get let down for the rest of my life, I know this. It happens and it happens to everyone, especially to the best of us. But if I hide all my hopes and excitement away for fear of being disappointed in the end, then even when things do work out, I still won't be excited. I will always be living in a cautious cloud, blocking the beautiful view of what can be. Wow, I feel amazing after writing this. After tossing and turning for an hour and then finally deciding to blog it out, I'm so glad I did. I think I can get some sleep now, and dream about the day when I finally get to go see my love.
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My husband is deployed too and earlier this week I had a super rough day. I wrote a blog and someone replied with the words below. They helped me feel a bit better, hopefully they help you. I'm on my third deployment experience and it still isn't any easier to say goodbye to the man I love. But you just have to remember that inner strength you have, and cling to that with all you have. You will get through this even if it seems impossible sometimes. I know we don't know each other but don't hesitate to ever reach out if you need someone to chat with! I don't know what I'd do without my Navy wife friends! -Andrea
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I think feelings are fleeting.
I think it's ok to feel vulnerable...but at times like this remember what you do have, not what you don't.
I think you are lucky to have found the one who completes you. Some aren't that fortunate and are still in search of somone special.
I think you have a strong support system of friends and family who are there for you when your back is against the wall, so you should never feel alone.
I think it's cool that you are still keeping up this blog.
I think you are stronger than you think you are.
I think good things come to those who wait.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7 (AMP)
ReplyDeleteGod has given us life, his word, which gives us in turn the power of God. He is in us, girl! His Spirit is dwelling in you. Let it comfort you and lift your spirits.
I know, I don't know what you feel like. But, I do know that God is pretty amazing if you look to him :]