Disappointed, devastated, discouraged

I received the news earlier tonight that the port call I was supposed to go see my husband in has officially been called off. My emotions are running wild right now, so blogging seemed like my best outlet. I went through 3 stages of emotion after hearing this news, this first being disappointment.

I was disappointed because I had gotten my hopes up, of course. It seemed like it was completely set in stone. I had the exact dates, I had the location, and I was going to officially buy my plane ticket tomorrow. I would have definitely bought a refundable, transferrable ticket, but still... talk about devastated. 


I was devastated because all I have been thinking about was being in the arms of my baby. Because it was so late in the game, it almost feels like my flight landed, I made it on base, saw my husband, starting walking towards him with open arms, and then he vanished into thin air, right in front of my face... within arms reach. Sometimes I feel like Bobby has passed away and I will never see him again. Everyone keeps repeating the same thing over and over, "Just look ahead to the future." Well, it's hard to imagine the future when you've never been there. I've never been through this before, I don't know how time feels when you're apart for so long. I forget. Is it moving fast? Is it going slow? I don't know. The end is so far away I just can't tell! All I know is hurry up and wait. I can't say it enough. I feel so discouraged.


I'm discouraged because I'm afraid to be hopeful again. Literally afraid. I'm scared to get my hopes up again, plain and simple. Nobody likes the feeling of being let down, and if you do then you have issues. My heart is aching right now. I've had my guard up this whole deployment for this exact reason and just as I let it down, completely down, this happens last second. What am I supposed to do in the future? What if, in one week Bobby calls me and says, "Ok, this is when we are going, and we are going here." My head is telling me to block it out, smile and nod and pretend like I am excited, but secretly be wary. But my heart is saying, "Stay positive, it's going to happen, it's all going to work out perfectly." So what am I going to do? The only thing I can do, go with my heart.

Of course I am going to get let down, I am going to get let down for the rest of my life, I know this. It happens and it happens to everyone, especially to the best of us. But if I hide all my hopes and excitement away for fear of being disappointed in the end, then even when things do work out, I still won't be excited. I will always be living in a cautious cloud, blocking the beautiful view of what can be. Wow, I feel amazing after writing this. After tossing and turning for an hour and then finally deciding to blog it out, I'm so glad I did. I think I can get some sleep now, and dream about the day when I finally get to go see my love.

A little of this, a little of that.

Well I haven't had too much to report to the blog front lately, so I'm just going to have a little ramble session. As most of you know, I am planning on flying out to see Bobby the next time he is in port, and I was going to do that by means of a Space A(vailable) flight. If you don't know what that is, I can blog about it in more detail at a different time. But in short, you hitch a ride on a flight going out from base. It's first come, first serve, and goes by rank. So there is a possibility you can get bumped off. You have to be incredibly flexible. I decided me being with my husband was not a flexible option, it was a "I must see him" kind of thing, so I am going to buy a ticket as soon as I know when and where. It's a little up in the air as of right now, which really gets me down. I like having things to look forward to, definite things. 


Something I do have to look forward to though is Brylie and I's mini vacation to Coronado Island in a week. We have a whirlwind of events going on over the course of two days. Brylie has her 4 month wellness... shots... boo, and we're also going to an FRG (Family Readiness Group) Mardi Gras night/meeting on 32nd Street and we are going to stop by the Command to get a letter that says Brylie and I have permission to fly Space A (if we ever need or wanted to). I wish we could stay longer, I'm looking forward to taking B to the beach and walking around the Island. Everyone who has ever been to Coronado knows Orange Ave. is a great strip to walk and shop. Panera has always been my restaurant of choice, give me a Cheddar Broccoli Bowl and I'm in heaven. Not to mention the luxury of no tax when you shop at the NEX. Hmm... I'm starting to think one night is not going to be enough. 


Some of Brylie's recent accomplishments include rolling over, laughing, following with her eyes, reaching and grabbing for things she sees, holding her bottle and getting cuter every day. What a big, smart, beautiful 4 month old I have! Her eyes are bluer than ever, hair is still brown. Although, we have stopped using head bands for the time being because she is losing hair where the bands are. Oops! So now I style her hair and use clips. She wears size 6 month clothing and size 2 diapers. Her favorite toys are her steering wheel that sings the ABC's and lights up, and her telephone rattle. She has just about outgrown her car seat so on Friday we are going to buy her a new one. They grow up so fast, don't they? 


Well, I think I have talked your ear of enough for today. I hope everyone has a great day or night, wherever you are! 

Divine Intervention

I wasn't sure if I was going to sit down and write a post tonight. I felt like there was nothing for me to say that would be able to capture everyone's attention like I want. But, as you can probably guess, I've been inspired. Divine intervention. I'm sure you've all heard that term before, many times. What does a divine intervention mean to you? For me, it's just that. There is no "proper" definition. It is what you make of it. In fact, I feel more comfortable calling it a beautiful interruption. Yeah, I like that. 


For now, I want to take a closer look at the word "intervention." After searching through many different definitions of the word, I feel like the one that applies to my life the most is "the act or fact of interfering so as to modify." From the moment my husband mentioned the word "deployment," my life has been significantly modified. Until a few weeks ago, I acted like a child that just got her favorite toy smashed with a hammer. I kicked and I screamed and I threw tantrums... daily. I felt like my entire world was collapsing around me. I was angry at my husband, his job, the life I chose, and I was especially angry at God. He was doing this to me, after all, this horrible thing. He was tearing my family apart and He was doing it on purpose. How could He bless us with such a precious, beautiful gift only to spill out an entire ocean between us? What a mess He created. 


Now I want to discuss the present, and with it, the word "divine." Once again, I searched over several sites on the definition of divine and feel drawn to "supremely good or beautiful; magnificent." But Elyssa, you just wrote a whole paragraph on how angry you are about all this, now you're going to try and say it's a divine thing? A magnificent thing? Yes. Because it is. At least, that's how it's turning out to be. My marriage is now the strongest it has ever been. I'm not saying our marriage has ever been in trouble but it's definitely been shaken, it's been tested, but our foundation has always proven strong. I'm learning more about myself, I'm bonding with my beautiful daughter, and I feel like I am maturing more so than ever. 


So thank you God, I understand now. 

The rest is history

Our first email exchange.

The time we talked until the sun came up.

The day we got married.

The rest is history.

The 5 minute goodbyes

Remember being in middle school, and when your mom or dad told you it was time to get off the phone with your boyfriend the whole, "Noooo, you say bye first" conversation commenced? Remember how good it felt to know that the person on the other end didn't want to hang up? I remember. I remember how juvenile and carefree it felt to talk for hours on end, with not a care in the world. You're not worrying about bills, or school, or putting gas in the car. Your only concern is squeezing every last breath out of that conversation. And then one day you grow up, and conversations start to end with, "OK, I have to go" and "I don't have time to talk right now." 


Time. Don't we all wish we had a little more time? To everyone that ever says, "I don't have time to be talking right now," I want you to read these next words very carefully. 


I am a proud wife and mother. My daughter is 3 months old and my husband is on the other side of the world defending every hour, minute and second of your life. He's giving up everything he has so that you can have some more time. When he calls me, I pray that just for one day, time will disappear. I cringe at the clock, it's been 15 minutes, only 5 minutes left. We try to start our goodbyes but fail miserably at it. It takes us 5 minutes just to gather up the courage to say it. The "B" word. Bye. What I would give to have just 10 more minutes of talk time. What I would give just to see my husband. Before he got into port this past week, I had not seen him for over a month. Now tell me you don't have time to talk. 


Just take the time out of your day to call the ones you love, the ones that slip your mind, the ones you don't have time for. Because you never know when life is going to interfere and take that time away. I'm not just talking about death, or even a deployment. Anything can happen. I know that now. In the blink of an eye, your whole life can be ripped apart. Sometimes temporary, sometimes forever.


Now when I talk to my husband, I get that giddy middle school feeling back. It's amazing, let me tell ya. I will treasure these short conversations forever, and most of all, I won't forget the 5 minute goodbyes. 


  

"I was with my husband"

I've been in a funk. I hate when this happens. I feel like I have no motivation to do anything, especially write a blog. I haven't been posting songs of the day, I haven't been writing, I haven't been getting out like I should and it's time to change that. Starting right now. 


Today I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled. It was a very... interesting experience for me.


We were sitting there, holding hands, looking into each others eyes. Just us. Laughing, talking, joking, just hanging out and enjoying each others company. Bobby's face was as sweet as it was the first day I laid eyes on him. The sun was shining from behind him through a window, making him glow, like my angel. We were alone in a room I had never seen before, but it was very modern yet elegant. Clean, organized, refreshing and comforting all at the same time. I would say we were in a foreign country, possibly Japan. This continued on for hours it seemed. It was the happiest I had been in over a month. My heart was at peace, simply... happy. I was in a movie. I had always voiced myself quite clearly in my teen years that one day my life would be a movie. Everyone told me it wouldn't happen. "Don't set your standards so high, it will hurt worse in the end." Did I listen? Of course not. And you know what? My life has always been a movie. I just wanted to star in the romance flick for once. My own personal Noah and Allie story. I had starred in every other category there was except romance. But when I met Bobby, that all changed. And sitting here with my soul mate in this sun-kissed room just confirmed the fact that I had it all. I looked into those big brown eyes and was just about to say- 


"Hello Elyssa, we're all done. You did great."


Are you kidding me? It was a dream?


I immediately burst into tears. The looks on the faces of the people around me were very confused. "I was with my husband," I said. They all knew he was deployed, and the "awes" echoed around the room. I'm sure now that half of them probably thought it was sweet, and the other half thought I was loopy from the anesthesia. Later in the day I got a phone call from my husband, he told me that while I was in surgery he had a dream that he was standing in the operating room. He was my angel. After hearing this, I came to the realization that the dream I had while I was "under" was not a sad dream at all, but a glimpse into the future. I feel a calm around me now as I write this. I can still feel him with me now, my angel. My Bobby. I love you. We will survive this deployment, and we will be stronger than ever.